Needing to write again

Writing for me has always been my poor man's therapy. I have talked through so many issues on paper. I have trouble thinking in a straight line in my head. Ideas seem to blow through my head like a summer breeze. Filling it with swirling possibilities one minute and disappearing the next. If I don't capture them on paper when they show up, I am bound to lose them and find myself saying "what was that amazingly good idea that I had yesterday". So here I am in 2011, a year that is bound to bring all sorts of new ideas blowing into my head. I started massage school at the end of January. I actually did it. Just the initial step to starting down a new path is exciting to me and opening the window to my mind and letting in a fresh breeze. So although I have less time than ever, I feel the need to write. To mark the path as I go so I can see how far I have come, when I get there (where ever there is).

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Another opportunity that I have snapped up is the chance to take a 30 day online class with Heather B. of the blog beauty that moves. It has been one of the two blogs that I visit daily. The name of it is 30 day vegan. Don't be fooled. I am not planning on becoming a full time vegan, but I do want to become a part-time vegetarian/vegan and am looking forward to the class that starts on March 7. So I look forward to sharing my thoughts and learning from that as well.

Winds of Change

My difficult summer is about to come to an end on Monday when both of my boys will be in school full days. I hate to say it but I feel a heavy weight being lifted from my shoulders. I will be working part time with the kids in school so I will have 5 hours twice a week of me time. Most of this me time will be donated back to the family in the form of running errands or housework, but I plan to spend some of this precious time on myself and I don't feel guilty about that at all. I have spending any free time that I can scrape together making plans to use this gift of time wisely. I have several plans for the future that are simmering right now and I am truly excited about all of them.

• One thing I will be doing next week is setting up visits to several local massage schools that I am interested in attending. I am very excited about setting out on this new path. It feel very right for me now. I have been thinking it over and praying about it for about 6 months and I am ready to start the process. I won't be able to start classes until next year, but I am happy to be certain of my next steps. That will also give me some time to work on my own wellness and weight loss programs. I know that in massage school you have to practice on your class mates and I would like to go in knowing that I look the best I can.

• I also plan on using my days off to be active and really challenge myself physically. I can go to the gym, go for a hike, or ride my bike to run errands. The sky is the limit really. I can't wait to visit my secret getaway in the woods by Town Lake. I love my labyrinth. I need to take a picture of it to post.
• I also plan to get back into my organic co-op that has a Tuesday pick-up since that is one of my days off. I am ready for all these changes bring them on.
• The one change I need to make and know will make all the difference to my health goals is logging my calories everyday. I am so bad about logging breakfast and lunch and leaving the rest blank. Doesn't really help at all if you don't write everything down. This will be a struggle, but it is the cornerstone to any efforts to change my body for the better.

In Nature

Today I spent the day hiking at the Heard Museum. It was such a nice and sunny day, I could not spend it indoors cleaning the house. There were birds everywhere in the woods and grasslands. I wish I knew the names of them all, but I was happy to enjoy them in nameless beauty. I took my camera with me and took some lovely pictures. I had a peaceful walk and sat and wrote in my journal. Just a perfect day.

After I picked Lulu up from school we went to feed the ducks at the park. He enjoyed this tremendously. There were mallards and a few Canadian geese. The aggressive big ducks with the ugly red eyes were not there and that was much more enjoyable. They charge you when you flash any bread at them. Lulu really enjoyed it when the ducks would chase each other fighting for the bread. He found this highly diverting. Mainly because playing chase is the height of entertainment in his book.

When Dilly got home, we worked on pedaling his bike. He did a good job. We are so close to him being able to ride by himself. Practice, practice, practice. I can hardly wait to celebrate this milestone.

Secret Garden

Since being off of work for 3 weeks now, the thing that I am enjoying the most is the gift of time. Time to stop and follow my mental meanderings and take that internal journey through thoughts and feelings and sometimes to follow more corporal inclination to want to know what is down that street. Today I had the time to do just that. Both kids were in school today, so I decided to skip the gym and go walking at Town Lake in McKinney. There is a Rec. center right before the turn off for the lake and there were signs for a book sale. I pulled in....I had time. I looked around for a while. I did leave with one book I have been wanting for a while called 'I Love Dirt'. It is a book about activities to encourage children to interact with nature.

On the way to my car I saw that back behind the parking area was the beginning of a nature trail. I went and looked at the trail map and saw that there was a meditation garden further down the trail. I was curious. I decided to explore...I had time. I started down the trail about 50 feet only to find the path 6 inches deep in water for the next 50 feet so I had to turn back. I look at the map again and realized that there was another entrance a few feet down the road. I found the entrance and started down the path. This path had little raised bridges to go over the water. It was perfectly lovely. It only takes a little wilderness to forget that 75 central is less than 100 feet away. I walked for a little way and then jogged a little bit. There was a serpentine creek that followed the trail for most of the way. After about 15 minutes I came across the Meditation garden. It was a stone circular labyrinth. So very cool.

I decided I would give this form of Meditation a try. I started on the path and followed slowly to center all the while talking to God about the progress I have made on my goals I am currently focused on. It was very soul restoring, a spiritual exercise. The best way I can describe it is like doodling with your body so your mind is free to focus on other things. I will definitely be going back there....if I have time.

I am back!

After a fall break from blogging, I am ready to start writing again. The last three months have not been very beautiful for me overall, but even as I think about here as I write several good things have come out of a very difficult time.

• I am taking several months off from work to focus on my family. The knowledge that my family needs my full attention for a while came at a price, but I think it will be well worth it in the end.
• Because of the focus I have had at work they are willing to work with me and give me time off and let me come back next year part-time. This is great for our family because we can not afford to live on one income with Dilly's medical issues.
• I have been reading a myriad of health and nutrition books and am ready to focus on my health and get serious about improving my level of wellness so I can better keep up with all the demands of this busy life.
• I have begun the process to accept the fact that I can't handle being a full-time employee and be the mom that I need to be to my boys, the wife I want to be to my husband, and the friend that I want to be to others. I knew this was true, but somehow I thought if I worked hard enough at it I could overcome this part of me. It is time to embrace the simplicity that I crave and whittle away at the least important parts of my life and focus on the things that really matter to me.
  

Love of Learning

One thing that I know about myself is that I love to learn. Interests come and go, but lately I am feeling very drawn to sewing. I've done basic sewing in the past, but it has been 15 years since I have sat behind a sewing machine. I feel this is something a need to learn. Maybe it is a longing to connect to my mother, who is gone, but I feel myself becoming more like her every day.

I have signed up for a local basic sewing class. It is one class where we make a simple tote bag, but I am really looking forward to it. This also ties in to one of my other current obsessions, fabric tote bags. I have quite a motley collection.

Power of Finding Beauty

I am beginning to believe in the power of finding beauty. I have to say that my attitude and outlook on life have improved dramatically. I knew that I had turned a corner when I was cleaning poop out of Dylan's underwear and thinking positive thoughts, not upset with him at all. I was able to sing and play with him while cleaning up. Normally I would be cursing under my breath and wondering why my life had to suck so bad. And wondering what had I ever done to deserve this! This kind of attitude always comes out at the kids no matter my intention. I feel like this is a huge step forward for me.

Starting something new

I am asking myself why is it so hard to start something new. I have been reading book after book on how to make your own organic lotions and cosmetics. It is very interesting to me and I am really excited about giving it a try, but something is holding me back from buying all the ingredients needed to make my first attempt. It may be money. But I think it goes deeper than that. I am reminding myself of why I started this blog in the first place. To start living and not just prepare to live. I am going to buy some beeswax tomorrow and give it a try. I will report on the results. My sister is coming into town tomorrow. She will give me kick in trousers that I require. Sister's in general are good for this.

The Journey Begins

Emerson said, "We are always getting ready to live, but never really living." I have to confess that this is true of me. I am am starting this blog partly as an attempt to move from getting ready to live to really living. I guess the first thing that needs to happen is defining what it means to really live. I am sure a few people have thought about that in the past, but what does that matter. I need to define this for myself.

First, I will attempt to define myself as in my current state. I am thirty something, happily (most of the time) married for the past eight years. I am currently a stay at home mom. I have two boys that are three and five. My five year old is on the autism spectrum and constantly challenges any ideas of maturity and wisdom that I ever had about myself. But life is all about growth and improvement. Right?

I have struggled with my weight since birth, and this is one of the areas that I really fall into the getting ready to live trap. Thoughts like, "I will buy nice clothes when I am a size __ or I will be more outgoing when I look like ___". I am sure I am not the only one to feel this way, but it is a good way to miss out on life. I am trying to focus on getting to a healthy and comfortable weight while I have more time (since I am not working outside the home right now). I am currently doing water aerobics and trying other things like yoga and pilates. I took my first yoga class last Thursday and the backs of my legs are still sore, but I have to say that I loved the class even though I couldn't do all the poses yet.

I am the type of person that has a wide interest in just about everything. But right now my main topics are herbs, organic living, living a more eco-friendly, non-toxic life, and thinking about what I want to do when I grow up. The more I read about these topics the more I want to know and the more I want to change how I have been living.